Painful but very real facets of life; I myself have suffered through these for years. I felt dirty down there. I hated my body. I hated sex. All I wanted to do was avoid it as much as I could. I wanted to resist any opportunity where I could see my body naked.
You know when you get a burn or a cut accidentally and it leaves scars at the exact spot where the injury occurred. Sexual abuse trauma works in exactly the same way; the difference is that the scars are invisible to the naked eye.
For the abused, this means all the sexual organs hold the tension, the scar and the cellular memories that were imprinted at the time of the abuse. My relationships kept creating more pain for me and my trauma kept getting stronger in my head.
Our partners are only humans, right? For me, this meant taking a break from my relationship and working with my own sexuality before I took things any further with another man. Through these workshops and my experiences, I learned more about my trauma; I was able to release various layers mentally, emotionally, energetically and physically. But wait! You become physically intimate with your partner when it brings back all the memories of abuse… Why? They are only there for their own pleasure.
I begin treating myself as a person who really cannot socialize and put herself out there. I put on my headphones and tune out the world. I could be talking to someone I care about and telling myself I truly, madly, deeply do not, by any means, deserve that person and the friend they are to me. I suddenly stop talking or repeatedly seek validation. This is my emotional abuse. I am young. In preschool, maybe kindergarten. I struggled with a lot of sensory and learning differences.
Loud noises always a cue me to flee as far and fast as I can. When the school runs a fire drill, the teacher or administrator will call my mom ahead of time to come and get me.
I do not make friends easily with other kids. I am too focused on not panicking about my parents leaving me in an environment that never seems to become familiar. I seek comfort in adults and older teenagers.
I have a constant tangible discomfort making its way throughout my whole consciousness but I do not know how to express it in words. So, I scream. And sob. I run. As I grow more aware of my reality, of my experiences and my battles, things shift from being attached, confused and afraid to being scared and ashamed.
I am feeling embarrassed for the difficulties I am facing so intensely that depression takes over. I became quite solemn as a young preteen. Because our first attachment was enmeshed — without healthy boundaries — we might move through life choosing partners that disrespect these boundaries too.
Or, we might behave in such an unpredictable way in our relationships that we actually provoke the kind of behaviour we have come to expect. In other words, our schemas lead us towards the familiar , rather than that which is best for us. In this way, we fulfil own self-prophecy. The good news is with the right help we can always break free from harmful patterns. As mentioned before, the first step lies in becoming aware of these schemas, and seeing them for what they are.
Sometimes we might rationally understand that our response was out of proportion but feel emotionally triggered into action all the same. Speaking with a therapist provides a safe, non-judgemental space to identify and work with these maladaptive schemas. Schema Therapy in particular works to weaken these maladaptive coping strategies and replace them with healthier ways of relating and coping instead. In this way, therapy empowers us to release the chains of our past and at last get our emotional needs met in the way we need — but also crave.
Created with Sketch. How to stop the emotional self-harm of your inner critic First off, it can help to remember that your inner critic is actually there to protect you. Emotional self-harm in the form of patterns Do you find yourself choosing the same non-committal partner in every new relationship?
Digging deeper can help us understand why. A few important things to note about schemas: They are created in childhood. They are absolute truths. They are constant, clouding our every decision or move. How to break free from maladaptive schemas and emotional self-harm The good news is with the right help we can always break free from harmful patterns.
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